Monday, February 28, 2005

Learning about Now

I got to work early today because I had to take Cristin to the Airport. The office was pretty dark when I walked in. Rob was already working, and Aimee, and Kevin were there. Sarah Linder was sitting on Sarah Miller's desk chatting very quietly, and the whole office seemed as still as the woods at dawn. I walked in, booted up my computer, stuck some gummy bears in the candy jar, and went into the break room to make myself a bowl of oatmeal. Two minutes in the nuker, and I sliced up half a banana into the goo and ate the other half. I filled up my cup with water and walked back to my desk where my computer was logged in and my chair was waiting for me to sit down to begin the work week.

I checked my emails and voicemails and made a mental list of things to do today. Print the CCDD Reports, check the Gradebook spreadsheets to see if any kids finished their classes this weekend, call the students on my OGT list...

Then I went here to talk about my life a bit. As I opened this to write, I realized that I really don't have anything to write about. All I did was come into work today. In fact, all I do every day is either come into work, hang out, or read a book. That's pretty much my life.

So I wrote about coming into the office, because that's what I did today. As I wrote, I realized what a beautiful little moment that was, coming into a dim quiet office with people quietly clacking on their keyboards or filling their mugs with coffee. I thought about the simple routine of my morning bowl of oatmeal, and I realized how unique it is. It feels like the most mundane thing in my life, but it is unique to me, and that makes it special.

I guess what I'm getting at is that my life feels mundane. And I guess that's okay. If I can look at the habitual things that I do every day, the things that have become repetitious and boring, and see those things as the genuine pleasantries that they are, I think I'll be a much happier person.

I guess when I realized that I haven't done anything very special today, I realized that the special thing about today, is that it is the only real thing I know. It doesn't matter that instead of hunting lions or base jumping in the Outback, I came into the office early this morning and made a bowl of oatmeal. See, I think the real joy of life is based in the nature of temporality. Everything is constantly new because we live in that ever changing thing called the present. And in the present we can remember yesterday, predict tomorrow, but all we ever have is now. How long is now? It is the only time for which we have no measure. It isn't a second, because that's too long. By the time you point to it, it's gone. Now. Clutch as we may, it's the only thing we can never hold onto, and yet it's the only thing we ever have. That's the neat thing about my oatmeal this morning. That I am not doing it any more. That's what makes the mundane things sublime. I guess this morning, I grew to appreciate now.

Saturday, February 26, 2005

The Coolest Thing I've Ever Done

I went to meet a friend for coffee the other day, but he ended up not being able to come. However, while I was there, I did the coolest thing I think I have ever done. The only thing is, the cool thing that I did is even cooler because no one knows that I did it. So if I tell anyone that I did it, it won't be as cool. And yet, by not telling anyone that I did it, I can't get the enjoyment out of telling people how cool I am. So I did this really cool thing, and I want to tell people that I did it, but if I tell people that I did it, then it won't be as cool. So I have to keep it a secret. And this is killing me.

Several times this week I have found myself hanging out with my friends, and I realize that the story is on the tip of my tongue, but as I go to tell it I remind myself, "Self. That's not cool." So I don't tell anyone the story. And no one knows exactly how cool I am.

The fact that I have wanted to tell several people about this very cool thing that I did tells me that I am quite a bit more vainglorious than I previously thought I was. I want to tell people this cool thing that I did, not because it's a good story, but because they will think I'm cool. I'm actually a bit surprised at myself. I know the people I want to tell the story to already love me and think I'm pretty cool. I guess I just want to reassure myself.

But I won't tell. Because I'm preserving the coolness of the thing that I did. If I tell anyone about what I did, then I'll be a little bit cooler, but the thing that I did will be much less cool. Therefore, I am going to sacrifice my own coolness in order to preserve the coolness of the thing that I did. It was, afterall, the coolest thing I think I have ever done. I guess that makes me at least a little cool.

Monday, February 21, 2005

Virgin Post

Well, Andrew, here you go. You asked for it, here it is.

I must admit, the whole Blog thing has been on my mind for a little while, I have thought several times about actually going through and doing one of these things, but I figured there was no way people would actually care about anything I had to write. But because Andrew told me after church on Sunday that he often thought that he would like to read my blog I figured that meant I had an audience, at least an audience of one.

I think part of the reason I haven't started blogging sooner is because I am afraid of what it says about me. I am somewhat scared that people will read this blog and think, "Who does Elek think he is? What makes him think that people want to read his random ramblings? He must really be puffed up a bit to think that his mundane life is interesting enough for others to read." Of course, a good way around pretending that my life is any more interesting than anyone else's life is by posting my thoughts about different things instead. But then I run up against a very similar wall. "Who does Elek think he is to suppose that he has come up with an original thought."

So I guess the first entry is going to be the necessary self-handicapping statement that renders all of these critical objections null and void. I know that the chances of people wanting to read about my life are very slim. I know that I probably will not come up with any new thoughts or positions on things. So, that is not my goal in this blog. My goal in this blog is to give Andrew Rudd the blog posting he asked me for on Sunday. My goal here is to get things off my chest. To take the little essays I have written about life, and put them in an environment where other people can read them, instead of holding them caged up on my hard drive.

So there's that. I am doing a blog. And I know that it will be much more of much the same. For that I do not apologize. To those of you who will offer the aforementioned critiques, I merely say, "If you don't like it, why are you reading my blog? Dummy."

Okay. Next time, I'll try my hand at an original thought.