Monday, March 21, 2005


I recently read some work by a man named Sigmund Freud. He's a pretty famous guy, and his work doesn't really seem like it was that hard to do. So, I'm going to try my hand at understanding a basic human relationship using nothing other than common knowledge, observation, and inference.

Common Knowledge:
Mars was the Roman god of war. Venus was the Roman god of love. Men are from Mars, and Women are from Venus.

Observation One:
About a year ago, the only relationship I have ever been in was ended without my consent. I was not very pleased that someone had decided to part ways with me without first asking my permission. However, we are human beings, and sometimes other people do things without our approval. So there I was, out of a relationship that I desperately wanted to be involved in. Not only that, but my good friend's brother had begun a relationship with the girl who had just rejected me. Naturally, I had two conflicting emotions. I wanted to find the girl, and call her bad names until she cried. Then I wanted to find the guy and call him bad names until I kicked him in the john. A day after this relationship ended, I sat on my couch with the aforementioned good friend (who's brother was partly responsible for my bad mood) and proceeded to explain to him that his brother had been born out of wedlock, and the girl his brother was dating had started a career in the oldest profession. I don't know why I drew these conclusions from the fact that they had started a relationship without my approval, but at the time, those conclusions seemed perfectly rational. So I sat on the couch opposite of my friend for about an hour shouting at him and crashing my fist down on the arm of the sofa. When I was out of breath and energy, we went on the porch and had a cigarette. He left, and I fell asleep on the stairs. That was how I dealt with my first break-up. I'm not proud of it, but I think it might be somewhat typical of the male reaction to a break-up.

Observation Two:
Today, I went outside for a smoke. When I got outside, I noticed three women co-workers shaking their heads, and gesticulating madly. When I got closer, I realized that they were talking about a break-up. One of the girls had just ended a relationship with her boyfriend, and she was not in the least happy about it. In response to the break-up, she said nothing at all, and the other two women proceeded to explain to her why every man alive should be lined up in the street and shoved one by one under a city bus.

When I experienced my first break-up, I imagined little wars with the two people directly responsible for my pain. I decided that I was hurting, and they were responsible, therefore it was my right to end their lives. When this woman experienced her break-up, she stood still crying softly while her friends proceeded to execute the male sex in their minds.

So, what do these things have to do with one another? Hang on. Here comes the money ball.

See, men are born on Mars. Mars is red. And red is the color of blood. So, for the rest of their lives, men try to spill blood. Women on the other hand, are from Venus. And Venus... is... close to the sun. If we lived that close to the sun we would all die. So women... must... want everyone to die.

There you have it. I hope that explains why men and women are so different. Men want to kill individuals, and women want to kill everything.

I guess there is only so much you can do when given nothing more than the tools of common knowledge, observation, and inference. Maybe now, you understand why I think Freud, largely, was full of shit.

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