Tuesday, April 12, 2005


This morning I heard on NPR that our nuclear power plants are not keeping as close an eye on their nuclear waste as the government would like them to. Apparently, it is possible for terrorists to make off with this waste, and then refine the deadly radiocative material, turn that material into nuclear warheads which they can then attach to weapons that can be used against us. I was shocked.

Could it be true that terrorists are targeting America? I know that they committed those horrible attacks on 9.11, but I haven't noticed anything resembling a terrorist attack since then. Sure, I have seen every American who gets onto an airplane tighten his seat belt with a little extra caution, and I have seen people give mail boxes on the side walks a little extra girth, and I have been told by people to be sure to find the nearest emergency exit every time you enter a new room, and I have passed through metal detectors and been frisked at basketball games, football games, baseball games, college games, high school games, and parcheesi games. My Arab friends have told me that they get cold staring eyes when they go into a store for the first time, when they shop in a shopping mall, when they stop for gas, and when they don't stop for gas.

I guess I can't blame people for being terrified of an imminent attack. Afterall, I heard that many, many, many people have been found photographing and video taping high security structures such as the Washington Monument, the Statue of Liberty, the Lincoln Memorial, and the Golden Gate Bridge. I see trucks lumbering down the highway every day, and I don't know what is in those trucks. That big rig passing me on the left, could be full of nuclear waste headed to a terrorist bomb factory in Colorado... I just don't know.

You know, the lady I saw in the grocery store last night stocking up on canned tuna, could be harboring terrorists in her basement. I heard they like tuna. I should really see what she's been up to. While I'm at it, I heard one of my co-workers talking about the president today, and I think he said something like "I wish he hadn't been elected." I can only conclude that he is a terrorist. I should really see if I can break into his computer to track his internet usage. I'm sure he's got ties to Hezbollah.

Oh, and you know all those people in the library? Reading books? I'll bet they are trying to build some kind of post-modern coup intended to bleach morality and goodness out of America. I should probably report them to someone.

And I should slam on my brakes more often when people are tailgating me. Chances are, they're on their way to a beheading, and if I cause a huge accident on the highway, I might save a hostage's life.

And you know what else? Everyone has these "American" flags hanging on their houses and on their cars... but I don't trust them. Afterall, if I was a terrorist, the first thing I would do would be to disguise myself by hanging an American flag on my porch. I sure am glad I found out about this whole terrorism thing. I didn't notice it before, but you know, we're surrounded.

I know that terrorists are actually taking hostages, shooting up schools full of children, and driving cars full of explosives into government buildings, and blowing up city blocks in other parts of the world that claim to be in the midst of a terrorist crisis, but I don't know that the treat of terrorism is as real anywhere else as it is in America. We really are in emminent danger. Thank goodness we have a God fearing president who isn't afraid to provoke war on soveriegn nations and send our boys off to die before the terrorists start flying planes again.

If you think 9.11 was bad, just wait until all of those "postal workers" start filling the mail with anthrax. I heard it's coming. Every American who doesn't want to die should go hide in a basement. If you're not in the basement by now, it's probably because you're a terrorist.

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